that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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