look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
