I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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