I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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