Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
