My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
