i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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