I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Randomize
