Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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