I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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