omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize