Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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