My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
