Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
