so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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