I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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