Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
