Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
