I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
