After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
