I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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