my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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