I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
