I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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