please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
