someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
