Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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