I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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