sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
