You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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