also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
