In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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