you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
