i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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