All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
