I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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