____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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