"it" just moved
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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