Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
