Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
