Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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