the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
