my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
