I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
