Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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