It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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