I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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