After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
