I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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