I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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