i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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