Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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