If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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