If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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