i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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