drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
