i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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