did you get engaged???
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
