so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
