I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
