my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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