i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
