i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
