I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
