I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
